by Ben on December 15 at 3:22PM
FINALLY, the WWE has come to Giggin On Ya... follow the jump and enjoy.
- 8:00 - The show kicks off with a montage featuring all of the old Raw intros from the past 15 years, even one featuring Gangrel. Josh: Where is Ahmed Johnson??
- 8:02 - No Chance In Hell music hits and Vince McMahon makes his way down to the ring flanked by Stephanie and the heir apparent Shane-O. Vinny has an extra jocular walk going on, his legs and arms flying every which way. A casual observer might confuse him for marching to the tune of a 1942 Nazi war song but wrestling fans know better. Josh: There they are, the Steinbrenners of wrestling.
- 8:06 - Hornswaggle, an Irish midget who is apparently the illegitimate son of Vince, makes his way down to the ring leading to a collective groan throughout the room. Big Larry: This guy sucks. Josh: Worst angle since Glacier.
- 8:08 - As the crowd chants Hornswaggle's name and HHH taunts the McMahon family in the ring this exchange occurs:
- Josh: Where is the Hitman?
- Ben: Plotting his revenge.
- 8:10 - HHH brings out a bunch of women McMahon has previously had relations with. While pretty lame on the surface, this particular segment has great significance for Josh who had sex with Sunny in 2005 and informs us her boobs are fake. Dynamite drop-in. Josh: Me and McMahon crossed swords! Like i didn't just try to find my old phone charger to see if I still have Sunny's number!
- 8:16 - The ring is indundated by wrestlers who have aged terribly including Bastion Booger, his son Big Dick Johnson (he was Hornswaggle circa 1995) and Knuckleball Schwartz who prompts HHH to ask "What, the Brooklyn Brawler wasn't available?" Well-played sir.
- 8:20 - That little fat guy is freaking me out says Josh in reference to Big Dick Johnson. Once the ho-train comes out and Larry points out that BDJ has a genuine erection, we quickly go to our first commercial break. No doubt viewers across the country are using this time to regroup and refocus their energy.
- 8:25 - Montage displaying the candidates for greatest wrestler in Raw history, to be announced later tonight, is shown as everyone collectively asks themselves why Booker T is included.
- 8:27 - Carlito vs. Jeff Hardy ladder match up now, what is up with this Carlito guy? Big Larry: He eats an apple then spits it at people. Basically, he's terrible.
- 8:30 - OK, its time to see who can pick the most obscure wrestlers that will appear tonight. Simple rules: each person picks a 5 man roster from a pool of wrestlers who peaked pre-2000. In addition, we have obtained the services of Josh's brother who will grant each participant one "dead or alive" life line to be used when it is uncertain whether the selected wrestler is still "able" to appear tonight.
- 8:46 - After a grueling draft which saw two dead or alive lifelines used confirming the passing of both Earthquake and The Big Boss Man RIP, the final rosters are set: Josh - Dusty Rhodes, Kamala, Marty Jannety, Barry Horowitz and Doink. Big Larry - Bushwhackers, Brooklyn Brawler, IRS, The One Man Gang and Koko B. Ware. Ben - Repo Man, The Patriot, The Mountie, The Model Rick Martel and Crush. Also, Jeff Hardy beat Carlito in a pretty good match.
- 8:48 - Marty Jannety! Josh up 1-0-0.
- 8:53 - Kamala! Josh up 2-0-0, it's an early route.
- 8:57 - RVD makes quick work of some walking Italian stereotype. Seriously, RVD is the Fred Taylor of the WWE, great numbers without the recognition.
- 9:00 - The second hour of Raw kicks off with a reunion of Evolution which featured such prolific members as HHH, Ric Flair, Batista and Randy Orton. Josh immediately makes his intentions of ordering an Evolution t-shirt known to us.
- 9:01 - Josh: Batista is a latin Goldberg with mic skills.
- 9:08 - Big Larry: Ric Flair is the kind of guy I would invite to my wedding even though I don't know him. He just seems like he's having fun out there.
- 9:09 - Josh: Ric Flair is like Brett Favre without the Wrangler jeans.
- 9:11 - Very entertaining segment which featured classic Ric Flair, HHH at the top of his game and the first Edge sighting of the night as he joined the estranged Orton in berating his ex Evolution mates. Unfortunately, Umaga is named as Edge and Orton's mystery partner to face HHH, Flair and Batista. I guess Fatu wasn't available.
- 9:13 - An Alien vs Predator commercial prominently displays the initials "AVP" on the screen. This immediately sets Josh off on a search to locate the whereabouts of former Bills great Alex Van Pelt.
- 9:15 - Van Pelt was hired by Dick Jauron as the quarterbacks quality coach for the Buffalo Bills on February 13, 2006. God speed AVP.
- 9:20 - The Evolution vs Orton, Edge and Umaga match ends with a classic Ric Flair low blow of Umaga which leads to a Pedigree by HHH, never gets old.
- 9:23 - Best montage of the night featuring highlights of Austin and his beer truck, The Rock, The Outsiders and Hulkster. Big Larry: So many damn montages, the editing crew is earning their money tonight.
- 9:28 - HULK HOGAN! Comes out to the Real American music to save Hornswaggle from the Great Khali, India's answer to the Giant Gonzalez.
- 9:30 - Josh: Hulk is a real American, he's wearing Wrangler jeans!
- 9:36 - Hulk doesn't attempt to slam Giant Khali then proceeds to plug the new American Gladiators show which he will be hosting on NBC. While disappointing, we decide that the Hulkster has earned the right to do as he wishes on Raw and is still awesome. Josh: What do you think kids under the age of 10 are thinking right now? Ben: Hulk stinks. Josh: We know better.
- 9:38 - Sweet DX montage featuring Rick Rude, RIP ravishing one.
- 9:43 - As the Fink hits the ring we are informed that a 15 man over the top rope battle royal of old wrestlers is about to take place. This is the moment of truth, everyone grabs their rosters of 90's wrestlers and hopes for the best.
- 9:45 - Doink, Repo Man!... Score update: Josh 3, Ben 1, Big Larry 0.
- 9:46 - IRS! Big Larry on the board!
- 9:48 - Bill Cowher hits the ring disguised as his alter ego, Sargent Slaughter.
- 9:53 - The ring is filled to capacity with out of shape/over the hill wrestlers fighting in slow motion and I couldn't be happier. Just double checked my calendar to make sure it isn't 1994.
- 10:00 - A winded and chubby IRS mercifully wins the battle royal. Immediately after, the music of the Million Dollar Man hits and he works his way down to the ring sporting a black blazer with a big $ and his trademark beard. Josh: Where's Virgil??!
- 10:02 - After paying off IRS to jump over the top rope, Million Dollar man is named the winner of the battle royal. He then grabs the mic and exclaims "After 15 years, everybody still has a price" followed by 10-15 seconds of maniacal laughter. It's going to be hard to top this.
- 10:03 - Dusty Rhodes!... Josh has opened up a virtually insurmountable lead, he is declared the winner by TKO.
- 10:11 - Great segment just wrapped featuring a surly Eric Bischoff taunting the crowd and eventually ending up in the Walls of Jericho after insulting Chris Jericho.
- 10:20 - After 2 hours and 20 minutes of solid action, Hardcore Holly has officially brought this show to a screeching halt. He looks like he just got back from an extended stay at a local dive bar.
- 10:28 - After Hardcore Holly et al finishing reminding me why I stopped watching wrestling, Matt Hardy comments that Sunny was the first hot diva in the WWE. Josh just patted himself on the back ala Barry Horowitz.
- 10:40 - Editing crew just phoned in the last montage which featured superstars the caliber of Test and Rikishi.
- 10:55 - Marty Jannety and Mr. Kennedy (couldn't tell you what his angle is) put the finishing touches on a terrible match in which HBK and HHH eventually run in leading to a mini DX reunion; the only positive thing to happen on this show in the last 40 minutes.
- 10:57 - Josh: You think Marty Jannety and Shawn Michaels have the same relationship as Bill Pulsipher and Jason Isringhausen?
- 11:05 - McMahon out to name the greatest wrestler in Raw history and naturally he names himself. I have to agree, although a strong argument could be made for Xpac...
- 11:20 - Tremendous ending to Raw. McMahon is given Socko from Mankind, a choke slam by Undertaker following an old school Taker entrance and then a stunner by Stone Cold. The show ends with the ring full of current and former WWE stars and McMahon out cold on the ground getting beer poured on him. Two thumbs up all around, well done WWE.
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