A handful of U.S. States have enacted hands-free laws, requiring the use of hands-free devices while talking on a cell phone and operating a vehicle. All masturbatory jokes aside, this is a good law. Most drivers (myself excluded, obviously) are assholes. Even the ones that are not assholes in everyday life still manage to drive like assholes. While simple logic suggests having one hand up to your ear would not exacerbate this much, the stupidity of the average human defies logic, even the most simple version out there. Assuming for a moment that before cell phone usage, people kept both hands on the steering wheel and didn't apply makeup, fiddle with the radio or eat elaborate meals (it takes a special type of skill to consume a Cheesy Gordita Crunch while driving), requiring people to keep both hands on the wheel is smart. I've seen enough of you dipshits almost swerve into medians because you were answering your call waiting. It makes me feel good knowing that you're not supposed to do this anymore.
Well guess what? Assholes are still assholes. Because what explanation other than the preceding sentence would tell me why these people think that holding their phone at arm's length and putting it on speaker phone makes them safer drivers? If anything, it makes them worse. Way worse. Moving the stupid phone back and forth, adjusting speaker volume, inspecting the thing to see where the little microphone is in relation to their mouth...and they STILL ONLY HAVE ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL.
Like, whatever. Maybe I'm overreacting and it's a stupid rule anyway because if someone's gonna drive like an asshole, they're gonna do it regardless of whether they get their cell phone involved. HOWEVA. Just the fact that they believe they are following the law by doing that whole speaker phone in front of the face maneuver pisses me the fuck off. If you're gonna defy the law, defy it completely. Don't pretend to be a law abiding citizen while still being, yes, an asshole.
I am a giant douche!
What does my mid-morning asshole rant have to do with the Nets? Well, I'll tell you!
The Nets' off-season moves are the NBA equivalent of holding your phone in front of your face and yelling at it. Remember last year when we were watching Mikki Moore, Eddie House, Hassan Adams and Bernard Robinson running around? Well that clearly resulted in a 2nd round crash into a proverbial tree. Somehow the new plan of running around with Jamaal Magloire, Eddie Gill, Darrell Armstrong and Malik Allen is supposed to keep this team driving in a straight line? I don't fucking think so. The only bench player that looked like an improvement over last year's band of miscriants in last night's "gimme" win over the LBJ-less Cavs (quotation marks placed lovingly around the word gimme to emphasize the fact that if it weren't for RJ's heroics, Shannon Brown could have easily dismantled the Nets' supposed sure-thing W) was Sean Williams. All the glowing reviews you've been reading about this kid are spot on- he's got the raw talent to make him a sizable beast in the National Basketball Association. Does he have the drive and heart to bring this to fruition? Maybe, maybe not. It's too early to tell.
What it's not too early to tell is that this bench on this team is not making a 4-car collision any less likely. In fact, it might very well be more dangerous, for both the Nets' playoff hopes, and my sanity.
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