So guess what? I just got my shiny new League Pass in my shiny new house in my shiny new city.

Well I guess none of it is "new," per se. But my roommate just hooked up the League Pass today, and I just moved into this house and this city less than 3 weeks ago. So it's new to ME, dammit.

Anyway, in honor of the above, and to announce my triumphant return to the blogosphere…and mostly to keep my mind off the fact that the bar exam results are available in about 12 hours…I'm gonna liveblog this game. And by "liveblog," of course I mean "stream of consciousness," as I always do.  Yes, I COULD attempt to do that whole "timestamp" thing that the "pros" do, but it's fucking amateur hour in here. Unless someone wants to pay me.  Wait….

Let it be known that if tomorrow I jump off my building due to the news of bar failure and a ten-year A-Rod contract, I spent my last night deliberately watching the Nets get obliterated by the Celtics. No, that's not an attempt at a jinx, I'm just super duper smart.

If you dare, friends, follow the "jump," as the kids say....

1st Quarter:

This is my first experience with the Boston announcing team. The accents are surprisingly unannoying. The voices, not so much.

The rumors about The Rusty Nenad are true. Cuz like, ew.

If we're dealing with another season of JKidd being the team's best rebounder, it MIGHT be time to make some slight changes to the lineup.

How much would I love for the Nets to go on a huge tear while Vince is (predictably) out with a wonky ankle? Much mucho. That's not "Ewing Theory" though, that's logic working in real life.

Jason Collins cannot rebound over anyone, to the point where his own teammates box him out to make sure the Celtics don't end up with the ball.I'm glad to see the Twin Era continues to rock HARD.

Is "steppin' in" a commonly called foul? I'm not sure I'm familiar with it….

Apparently more than 1 pass will destroy…someone's defense. I don't know whose they meant there. I'm assuming the Nets. Which is…sad. I haven't had a chance to really watch them yet this season, so I can't get all indignant here. Just mildly concerned.

The Celtics appear to be in All-Star Game mode, where they're kinda chillin', taking some unnecessarily difficult shots, and possibly trying to figure out the logistics of a 6 girl/1 man orgy. Cuz Boston is like HOPPING.

NASTY block by KG. You're telling me the Nets couldn't have put together something to get his ass in Jerz?

Why is Antoine Wright bringing the ball up the court? That's…silly.

The Nets take their first timeout with about 5 and a half minutes to go in the first…and the score is 10-9. I have a feeling I'll be using the word "ew" a lot more as the night progresses.

"The Green is back on." That's the new Celtics slogan. I'd make fun of it except the Nets catch tag line is now "More than a game." What the FUCK does that mean? Oh, it's more than a game, it's a lifestyle. You know, like being a gypsy, or gay.

Seriously, what was wrong with "Bring it!"? You can bring anything! The ball, a friend, a shrubbery…possibilities were endless. Now it's just an abstract. More than a game. Like overtime. Or something.

Sick sick SICK jam from Sean Williams. They're trying to come up with a nickname for him on NetsDaily…and really, there's not so much creativity over there.

I can do better…and I will, when I feel like it.

The crowd at the Garden is jumpin' over a KG jam…and really, Rondo looked pretty nasty right there with his passing too, and I'd be pretty excited about that if I were a Celts fan. Rondo's gotta be the weakest link in that 5, right? Um…if you pretend Kendrick Perkins is someone else…or something.

Tommy Points, huh? I'd heard of them but doubted their actual existence. Unfortunately, they do, in fact, exist.They make my heart sad.

Hey, Big Baby! He's like…chubby! He looks frighteningly like Antoine Walker from behind. You know. Because they're both chubby. And bald. But mostly chubby.

So they are…not fans of Sean Williams in Boston? Wow, I mean… Who knew? I've never heard of him doing anything wrong EVER, let alone that would bother the lovely people of Boston!

Apparently, young is good. Thanks Tommy and other Celtics announcer whose name I don't know but bothers me plenty.

Big Baby has 2 fouls in less than 2 minutes I think.

Did…did they just call Darrell Armstrong a "kid?" I think they did. That's...well, relativity at work I guess.

Heyyyy, it's TINY PEENIE!!!!

Celts blow a 3-on-1 and after Cooze (?) and Tommy impart the genius theory that they should have gotten a layup out of it, Tommy says, "Good job on the steal however!" I guess optimism is allowed in Boston these days. Assholes.

Annnnd that'll do it for the first quarter.23-17 Jersey Boys.

2nd Quarter:

One of these announcers has a lisp. Why would you EVER have an announcer with a LISP??? I hate you, Entire City of Boston.

"And the Celtics…are really…having shooting…problems…big TIME." I actually miss Ian Eagle. This is what you've done to me, Tommy.

We are apparently now calling Kendrick Perkins "Perk" exclusively. I guess that puts a better spin on his presence on your team than either "Kendrick" or "Perkins."

Hi Boki. I still love you.

I like that RJ is now known for his free throw prowess. Now he's just a few skill sets away from finally getting that MVP!

It almost seems unfair to have KG guard Boki. It kinda looked like if you had a little cockapoo…and he was chewing on a bone…and then you let your pit bull come over and try to take the bone away. Not only is your poor little cockapoo going to lose his bone, but he's going to damn near piss himself in the process.

In case you couldn't tell, I currently live with 2 doggies. They like, fight over bones, and stuff. Yeah.

KG has decided to turn it on, and I think this game is about to take a very unfortunate turn for our heroes from the Swamp.

What is wrong with Rajon Rondo's head? It's like too small, but tapers into the too small-ness about halfway down his face.Which makes him look like…something. I'll think of it.

Oh, now Darrell is "old folks?" Make up your mind, T-Dawg. Make up your mind.

Mmmmm JKidd airballs. How much I've missed those.

Jamaal Magloire: worse at free throws than Jason Collins! Your 2007-2008 New Jersey Nets, ladies and gentlemen!!!

Was that the dude that played Mike Bolton in "Office Space" sitting in the stands? He WOULD be a Celtics fan.

5:40 left in the half and the game is tied at 30. $10 says the Nets don't see another lead.

Whoops, wrong already. I just lost a bet…to MYSELF.

It would be nice is JKidd's awesome passes were rewarded with anything other than bricks. Alas, ‘tis not to be.

Are all passes entry passes now? No? OK, just checking.

Wow, there's the Jesus Shuttlesworth we all know and…love, I guess. Joining a Boston team is like joining the British. Or the South. Wait….

RJ ‘oop from Kidd, and that's pretty. And pretty much why I wanted to spring for the League Pass. You know, despite the likely 45+ losses….

There's a dude in a leprechaun suit running around. They should throw out the horror movie leprechaun as their mascot. He was in space, you know.

Just an ugly little bobble from The Rusty Nenad there, and the literal play-by-play by these announcers is making me contemplate the mute button.

New unwritten rule- don't give away a layup, but usually just in the playoffs. Oh….that's…new. And…I don't even know how to make fun of that statement, it's just too weird.

Players on other teams miss free throws too! 5 for the Celts in the half. Achilles heel?

"RJ DOES NOT TRAVEL, YOU HEAR ME REF?"-- what I imagine RJ was saying right there.

And the Celtics go up by 2 to end the half.

Your halftime score- 36-34.

"More than a game- AN ABOMINATION!"

I'm taking my halftime shower.

3rd Quarter:

I'm back from the shower 40 seconds late. I blame the fact that I had to shave my legs so I could wear a skirt tomorrow. Because if I'm going to cry all day, I'm gonna look hot doing it dammit.

If the Nets keep this close just to blow it at the end, like they did against New Orleans the other night, which was so horrendous that it made me open-hand slap my forehead just from following it on GameCast…then I'm going to be really pissed I'm not watching "Gossip Girl" right now.

They show a graphic that tells us this half (2 minutes into it) the Nets are 2/2 on field goals and the Celtics are 1/1. Thank the heavens Comcast is on top of these things. Otherwise that differential would have blown right by me and I would have missed the intricacies of the way this game is unfolding.

I genuinely hope that if anyone's still reading at this point, that you are a huge fan of one of these teams, or me. Otherwise, you must lead a sad sad little life.

For the fans of me (all…none of you, I would surmise), I'll be doing the rest of these semi-coherent ramblings while wearing only a towel. Me-ow.

Boston is up 6 now, and I think I can safely make the "Nets will never see another lead" prediction without losing more bets against MYSELF.

Maybe Kendrick Perkins doesn't suck. Or maybe he's just telling me to go fuck myself. Either way.

Celts go up by 9…Nets take a timeout…and I'm hungry, can I stop watching yet?

Now would be a good time to mention that I currently live with other sports fans for the first time…ever, actually. Even when I lived with dudes in college, they weren't so much sports fans. One like the NBA, but as more of the art fan "admiring the overt and subtle beauties" observer.But I wouldn't force any of my housemates to watch this game, which is why I'm camping out in my room.My one roommate is a Sixers fan. I would hope he would do me the same courtesy.

Shut up, Boston fans. I can tell you have one of those "MAKE NOISE" graphics up on the Jumbo-Tron. You're not fooling me coming out of a timeout like that.

They're making excuses for Rondo sucking by calling him insecure. If I were an NBA player, I'd rather be known as not being very good, then as being a pussy. But I'm not.

Antoine Wright: great hustle; terribly passing.

RJ just took a KG hand to the grill…and the fans are booing. I donut understand.

Antoine Wright: SICK BLOCK. OK, he wins me over.

Is…is it my fault? RJ has missed like 1 free throw since the season started, tonight he's missed 3. It's way too early to impose the "they win when I don't watch so I can't watch so they can win" strategy, isn't it?

ET. Rondo looks like ET.

RJ causes my first "What the FUCK are you doing" exclamation of the night. And it's funny how it doesn't happen until the end of the 3rd quarter when Vince isn't playing, isn't it?

4th Quarter:

Well Boki just looks terrible. Missed open jumpers, ugly ass turnovers. I don't know if I can continue my undying love for him if he sucks this badly all season. You're damn right it's conditional love.

Big Baby just demolishes a shot attempt by Sean Williams and…I got nothing but fat jokes. It's too early in the season for the Nets to kill my spirit.They're down 10 by the way.

And Big Baby and Sean Williams both block in the "volleyball spike" method. I dig it. Because, you see, I can spike a volleyball.On a girls net. Whatever.

Nets are down by 14 with about 10 minute to play…can I turn it off now?Fucking Phil Jackson commercial making me feel like I can't.

"He who leaves before the bell tolls…won't have to watch Malik Allen run around picking up his dribble." That's more like it.

Ooh goody! The Richard Jefferson Ill-Advised Long-Range Jump Shot Show is back! How I missed it so!

Announcer man is all surprised and confused-sounding as he says "Nets continue to go to Sean Williams," and really, confusion is the most mild emotion I got right now.

Ray Allen hits his first 3 of the game, the Nets go down by 15, and I believe I've lost the will to live.

"SuperCuts Cut of the Game." New England seems like the perfect place for the SuperCuts empire.

The Nets look awful, the Celtics look fantastic, they're up by 19, and my heart's just not in this anymore. Luckily, neither are the Nets' hearts, nor have they been for at least 10 minutes. So that'll about wrap us up here, barring some amaaaaazing comeback. I'll be watching, but happily for you, you won't have to read my descent into disgust.