And I'm stuck in a 9-4 class. This studying thing is really kicking my ass. And if anyone really cared about the temporary abandonment of Giggin' On Ya, I would apologize. But no one cares. Woe is me and all that.
Anyway, during the week the classes only go until about 1 and there are blog posts for me to read every time J. Gardiner Pieper (who is bound to show up in a sex dream one of these days...if I'm lucky it'll be Troy instead though) digresses from the lecture. But today is Saturday, I'm stuck here for 7 hours, and everybody else in the world is enjoying sleep or the nice weather. But fuck them. They are assholes.
And SPEAKING of assholes. I was watching Sportscenter this morning while I got ready for class, as is the usual routine (oh and fuck Skeets & Tas for not being up early every morning for my entertainment purposes...except not really, those guys are heroes and I don't know how they do it). And Stephen A. Smith was BLAH BLAH BLAHing as per usual about how Kobe ain't going nowhere (I tend to agree with that wholeheartedly) and then mentions, hey, he talked to a "top exec" of the New Jersey Nets and they are still trying really hard to re-sign Vince Carter. And...WHY??? I've read rumblings of such things over the past week or 2, but I figured it was just the front office doing good PR things. "Yeah, yeah...we totally want Vince back. He's a great player and uh...we really think he's a key component of our success." But the journalists taking down such quotes? They don't know how to transcribe the follow-up fits of giggles.
Seriously, I have to assume the front office was watching the Nets games all season. And anyone that watched the Nets all season knows that this team ain't going too far w/ VC as their "go-to" guy. And I use the term "go-to" very very loosely. Even IF he "compromises" down from the max he's looking for, it's not worth it. Keeping Vince is actually subtraction by addition. Because guys want to rely on him, then they rely on him, then he lets them down half the time. But comes through JUST often enough that other guys still tend to defer to him when they should be taking things over themselves. Eh...yada yada. It's been like a month and I'm still tired of talking about Vince. I really want him to go away. He's still lingering though, as storyline #1, and you can't just ignore it and hope it goes away. Other than draft prospects, there's always Vince, right there, needing to be discussed. Huh...I guess it's true VC = VD.
Anyhoo. Family law all day. Wooooo.
At some point I posted a very minimally and tangentially related to the Nets video at El Friends. Link here, if you are really that bored.
And, very strange, I went to get a massage yesterday since my neck and shoulders have more or less separated from each other with all the class-sitting, note-typing, library-studying, etc. And, note to all the massage therapists out there (I believe "massage therapist" means they're legit, whereas the "masseuses" are the more...sketchy? ones?)...if you are looking for a nice gratuity, adding a self esteem boost to the massage is a good way to go about it. Like shoot, lady, I'm sure you tell all your clients they have good bodies, but it certainly worked on me. (Seriously, she told me it was like really "strong"? Is that sketch? Or was something lost in translation?) In all honesty though, I'm a big advocate of "do not speak to me while you are massaging." The last time I went for one (4 whole years ago...it's not really my thing I guess) the dude kept making conversation. That was not appreciated, believe you me. Anyway. I don't know why I shared. Probably because no one is stuck at work for me to email with inane stories like that. Deal with it. :)
And uh...yeah. I don't have shit else going on. Social life has come to a screeching halt. Love life is absolutely and completely non-existent. Which is REALLY unfortunate, seeing as how I can't even go out drinking and doing fun things, so it would be helpful to have some late night companionship.... Like once a week, is that SO much to ask? Well, yes, yes it is. I have run out of options. Like completely. At least suitable options. I'm not ready to cry "desperation" or "Craig's List" just yet, kiddies. There are 2 decent looking dudes in my class, but...well, 1 dresses like a European, likely because he IS a European, and the other pops his collar. Dos dealbreakers. (Assuming they're single and would be interested anyway, which, recently, have not been the circumstances.)
Ah well.
I promise to do a fun post soon. If i don't decide to run away to the Cayman Islands or somewhere first, in lieu of continuing this awfulness.
Oh, and FYI...the Nets do seem to be looking for a new cute white boy for me to ogle on the bench this season:
(Yes, I jumped all over that story way too eagerly, but it's only because I thought it could be such a good thing. My heart was in the right place. Swear it.)
As I decompose at my desk on this beautiful Monday in Manhattan like a roided Rey Ordonez during the 2002 baseball season, I'd like to introduce a new feature to this blog of ours: The Gig List. For those of you not familiar with the concept of "gigging," it is a term that can be used to denote a state of superiority or ownership over another individual. Essentially, if I gigged on ya, at some point in time I OWNED you. My counterpart Becky will explain this phenomenon in detail later this week.
Now without further delay, I introduce the inaugural class of the gig list:
1. Richard Jefferson (or as he is known in the New Jersey gay community "RJ")
Becky has already broken the most important news story - the inexplicable engagement of RJ to a female. I dont know about you, but the first thing that came to mind when I heard about this was the superb ESPN series Playmakers. The show focuses on the culture of the locker room, personal lives of players/coaches and the fickle nature of management in professional football. During the series, it is revealed that the team's pro bowl tight end, Thad Guerwitcz is gay. To hide his homosexuality, Thad gets engaged to a smoking hot woman to alleviate any doubt about his sexual preference among his teammates. Now, I'm not saying RJ's gay or he will be exposed... im just telling you what came to mind when I heard the news.... the parallels are there... moving on...
2. The New York Mets
The Mets are struggling right now having lost 11 of their last 14 games. The Carloses have looked bad at the plate, failing to produce in RBI situations while Tom Glavine has had a few tough outings in a row. To make matters worse for Mets fans, this rough stretch has coincided with the Yankees righting the ship, winning 14 of 17 including 2 of 3 in the subway series this weekend.
Fortunately, the Mets remain in first and are slowly getting back their starters including Jose Valentin and Shawn Green with Lastings Milledge and Moises Alou on the horizon. Personally, I think the Mets will get back on track this week at home and go 4-2 in the upcoming 6 games versus Minnesota and Oakland. Meanwhile, the Yankees should continue to stay hot in interleague play, making it very tough to be a bandwagon New York baseball fan but easy for those who claim to "root for all New York teams."
3. Kobe Bryant
Kobe Bryant reiterated his trade demands and continues to tease downtrodden Knicks fans everywhere by including New York on a short list of teams he would waive his no-trade clause to play for. Look, Kobe isn't getting traded. Simply put, the Lakers couldn't get equal value for him in any trade and have no obligation to move him.
As such, here is my plea to you Kobe: Please stop making these demands. I don't need this sense of false hope in my life. It has already forced me do things I am not proud of such as read a Chris Sheridan blog or listen to an Isiah Thomas' interview on the Stephen A. Smith show. For the love of G-d, put us out of our misery with a cliched interview establishing your undying allegiance to the Lakers and end this fiasco. Now if you will excuse me I am going to destroy my ear drums with some jagged Cheez Doodles.
4. NFL Busts Past and Present
Kudos to BradyFan83 on YouTube for this brilliant song parody focusing on a myriad of NFL draft busts entitled Mr. Upside. Try to name all the busts pictured and pay close attention to the lyrics; they are hilarious. Here's to you Blair Thomas, you're finally getting the attention you deserve pal.
Sam Perlozzo was fired yesterday as the manager of the Baltimore Orioles. Although I know little about the Orioles organization or Perlozzo's managing abilities, I do know he was not to blame for the team's poor play. How do I know this? Look no further than Mr. Jim Duquette, the Orioles VP and former GM of my New York Mets.
During his illustrious Mets tenure, Duquette is credited with:
- Signing 0-tool player Kaz Matsui to play shortstop, moving a young player named Jose Reyes to SECOND BASE in the process.
- Bringing in Braden Looper and his awkward "struggling on the toilet bowl" facial expressions to close.
- Low-balling Vlad Guerrero to the tune of 3 years 30 mil, with the explanation that Vlad has back problems. That same year he went on to win the MVP in Anaheim and his 5 year 69 mil contract is a bargain.
- Trading Scott Kazmir for a 29 year old pitcher with a history of elbow problems (refuse to mention his name).
- Overpaying for Kris Benson and single-handedly destroying the starting pitching market as we now know it. Somewhere, Barry Zito is kissing a framed picture of Jim Duquette while lighting up a cigar using a c-note.
This collection of savvy moves with the Mets netted Duquette a front office position with the Orioles in 2006 where he has failed to establish a plan and more than lived up to his reputation as a lousy judge of talent.
Duquette started off his Orioles run the only way he knows how - with a lop-sided trade that serves to weaken his organization while taking on payroll. The acquisition of Kris Benson for Jorge Julio and John Maine provided Baltimore with an overpaid, oft-injured pitcher and his outspoken wife Anna, a woman ready to sleep with the entire locker room at a drop of a hat. While Baltimore added an elite DL candidate and easy ass the Mets turned Julio into El Duque and saw John Maine blossom into a solid starting pitching. Essentially, Duquette has done far more to help the Mets in his tenure with the Orioles than during his stint in Queens.
This off season, with Kris Benson firmly entrenched on the DL for the season, Duquette and his partner in crime, executive VP Mike Flanagan sought out some "veteran" arms to round out the rotation. This effort lead to the acquisitions of the artist formerly known as Jared Wright who peaked in 1997 and the human rain delay Steve Trachsel who has never peaked. With the starting rotation "set", Duquette and Flanagan turned their attention to the bullpen. They proceeded to overpay every aging arm available on the market including Chad Bradford and Jamie Walker - 2 situational relievers who would now be asked to work full innings - and Danys Baez, a shaky fireballer with a homerun problem (brilliant move bringing him to the launching pad in Camden Yards). With over 50 million invested in unreliable pitching, Jay Payton and Aubrey Huff were signed to round out the lineup. In related news, Miguel Tejada was placed on suicide watch.
Point is Sam Perlozzo had no chance to win with this roster. First off, the lineup can’t hit for power in a hitter’s park. Second, the starting pitching staff (sans Erik Bedard) is a collection of guys who are either young and lack control or old, injury-prone and just awful. Finally, the bullpen, the supposed strength, has seen young closer Chris Ray sputter and the new guys Walker and Bradford struggling mightily after fast starts. Wonder if that has to do with the fact they haven’t been anything more than situational relievers for the past couple years??
Frankly, the Orioles did Perlozzo a favor by firing him. Between the dimwitted management team and overbearing owner Peter Angelos calling the shots, the Orioles might be the most depressing team in the Majors right now. Sorry Orioles fans, this might take a while to fix…
So the draft is coming up in a few days, and the free agent market goes WILD a few days after that. What's a Becky to do in the meantime? I'm not into mock drafts for the same reason I'm not into rampant trade speculation... "When something actually happens...we'll talk." And I'm DEFINITELY not ready to deal with the prospect of several more years of the Vince Carter Era.
So instead, you shall get the long awaited "What the hell does the name
of this blog mean" post. No, Urban Dictionary will not be helpful in solving this mystery. So you are just going to have to read along a bit. I alluded to writing this months ago, not
that anyone remembers, and it's been something I've been meaning to
do...and it just hasn't gotten done. This changes now.
A lot of people remember Shaquille O'Neal's groundbreaking album Shaq Diesel. Most notably, they remember the absolutely riDICulous lyrics, they remember Shaq teaming up with Fu-Schnickens on "What's Up, Doc", or they remember the Reebok commercial with my personal favorite song in 6th grade, "Shoot, Pass, Slam."
Most people were not as cool as me though (and by "cool" I mean "silly") so their Shaq Diesel expertise ends there.
(Note: this does not apply to Curtis Granderson. This automatically makes him 100x more awesome than he already was, by the way.)
One of my other favorite songs (yes, I may have even played this one to pump myself up before softball games...don't judge me, I was 12!) from this album was "Giggin' On 'Em." It revolves around a loose premise of Shaq being a dominant force capable of "giggin'" on anyone who dares get in his way. There are some absurd lyrics, a stellar contribution from Phife Dawg from A Tribe Called Quest, and at the end, a suberb list of "fellas and peoples" on which Shaq has succeded in "giggin'."
Disclaimer #1: A fairly extensive internet search turned up absolutely no listing of the lyrics to this song anywhere. Lots of "removed at request of the artist" and "no lyrics exist for this song in our database." So I had to go in and do the dirty work myself. Yes, 'tis true, I transcribed the full lyrics of "Giggin' On 'Em." You're welcome.
Disclaimer #2: Shaq mumbles a bit. The lyrics I grabbed are not entirely accurate. So I'm not including them all here. If anyone wants what I came up with, send me an email and I will gladly send you "Becky's interpretation of what Shaq is saying in 'Giggin' On 'Em'" as well as a sweet little personal message, just for paying attention to me.
For this post though, I present to you:
"The Gems of Giggin' On 'Em."
First, the verses:
Shaq starts out by introducing himself to you, the listener:
Hi, my name is Shaq and I wanna go pop
Not
I gotsta have the hip in my hop
So what he's telling us here is he's completely badass.
And not willing to fit the molds of what pop music was all about in 1993.
If you're curious, it looked a little something like this. Which makes no sense to me. Because Jeremy Jordan was fuckin GANGSTA.
Oh, and um...don't do a Google Image search for Mr. Jordan...there is apparently a gay porn star by the same name, and I just learned that the uh...difficult way.
Moving on...
Enter with a frown, then I leave with the smile
You’re soon to figure out that Shaq is worth your while
Cuz seein’ is believin’ and ya best believe it
And if you’re from Belize, well then ya best Belize it
I see.
Um...look. From everything I've heard, Belize is one of the most beautiful vacation spots in the world. It's chock full of history, amazing aesthetics, and exciting things to do.
But I have to, HAVE to ask...how far does Shaq's knowledge of the country go? How far did it go in 1993?
Don't get me wrong, Shaq could have been an expert on Belize when he wrote the lyrics to this song and I would fully accept this as making complete sense...but I have a hunch he was having some fun with ah..."wordplay."
"Believe? Belize? That's gold, Phife Dawg, gold!"
Sometimes I get crazy and this is how I feel
Ben Franklin who? Put Shaquille on the hundred dollar bill
I'm sorry, Mr. O'Neal, but I'm afraid that just doesn't sound like enough to get the U.S. Department of Treasury to change the currency. That's this country, anyway. Maybe you should try Belize?
(Cheap one. Sorry.)
But I’m the Shaqnificent standing in my b-ball stance
I know ya heard
I start fires like Donnie Wahlberg
OK, first? Where did "Shaqnificent" go? I want to bring this back. It's not even on his Wiki page! This is an atrocity. All other nicknames other than "The Diesel" and "Shaqnificent" should be banned from here on out. Because Becky said so, that's why.
And second? Dude, Donnie Wahlberg was charged with arson in early 1991. Even when Shaq Diesel came out, people were listening to this going, "Start fires like Donnie Wahlberg? Timely!"
And of course, by "people listening," I mean...uh...me. And Curtis Granderson. Maybe one other guy. Oh, and Shaq's mom.
I get vexed when ya disrespect
Should I put you in check or should I break your neck
You think you’re hard but your lyrics are soft
I hate when MCs yell to get their point across
Ahhh, he's just talking tough. He doesn't really wanna break anyone's neck. He's being all figurative and stuff...he'll battle you, yo...RAP BATTLE YOU. Don't BRING those weak ass rhymes up in Shaq's grill...man. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. I don't know where I'm going with this.
When it comes to the micrah P-H-O-N-E
I got maaad lyrics and other words plenty
When an MC wants to battle, then it’s on
What the hell made him think he could get with Shaquille Rashaun?
Now it starts becoming clear that he is trying to let you know that all this hard talk on his end is referring to his lyrical mastery. He's provoking. He wants to rap battle. He's ready for YOU. All comers.
I mean...you see what he did with the word "microphone" there, right? Me, I wouldn't mess. But I'm also catastrophically white, so that doesn't actually prove anything.
You run your jibs, but you get no dibs
My style is deadly like the virus that we all call hiv
OK, now that's just awesome.
Granted, I don't know exactly what a "jib" is, other than it's possible to dislike the cut of someone's.
But he rhymed it with "hiv" as in H.I.V. before people were commonly using that phonetically and way before AIDS started being funny.
I’m top choice with the ragged-like voice
Fix my lips for the mike, make sure it sounds moist like a
Betty Crocker or a Duncan Hines cake
And my delivery?
It sounds frosty like a shake
This always made me hungry. I really like cake a lot. And frosting. In fact I might have to go buy some...maybe chocolate...no, maybe the kind with the little rainbow candies in it...oh. Sorry. Got carried away there for a sec.
So what does a frosty delivery sound like? Does that mean it's "cool" or "chill"? And...is that a good thing? And even so, I feel like a shake is way colder than just "cool" and "chill." Or "chilly." Or not?
I'm getting confused.
Personally, I would just like to know how Shaq keeps his lips in a constantly moistened condition. Because I'm addicted to lip gloss and lip balm and things of that nature (I buy them compulsively, as I have mentioned before) and would really appreciate any helpful tips the Shaqnificent could share with me.
Big up myself every time rewind
I come rough like McGruff I take a bite out of crime
Yeah, you read that right. No "timely" joke here...McGruff is here to stay.
What is piquing MY curiosity though is...how exactly does Shaq come "rough"? A man of his size makes this a particularly frightening notion.
Of course, we are just going to assume he's still talking about his prowess on the micro-P-H-O-N-E and not pay any attention to the fact that I constantly allude to S&M in my posts.
That's right, nothing to see here. Move along.
Annnnyway. There are 2 versions of the chorus of the song.
Shaq segues into the first by saying about the MCs that yell to get their point across that he "gigged on 'em." Fair enough.
Check out how he leads into the 2nd chorus though:
Little teeny weeny bits
Cuz my style’s all that shit
Phife Dawg is in the house
So sit Ubu sit, and watch me gig on 'em
Wait...what? "Family Ties"? Really???
I'm not even going to ATTEMPT to decipher the "teeny weeny bits" part. A smart girl can only read really far into early 90s rap lyrics before getting a little loopy.
So to the chorus then?
The chorus is Phife Dawg doing his thang while Shaq alternately says things like "And I gigged on 'em" and "Sit back and watch me gig on 'em."
I'm not sure WHAT the hell Phife is saying.
Something about...taking the "S" off Superman's chest? And facing reality? Because of Big Shaquille's mentality? And Shaq being the lyrical champion? And...bubbling? Somehow? And the need to dismiss all the "powder puff" DJs? And jumping on his truck? And lyrics coming from...behind...God's? Back?
Ahhhh....yeah, you lost me, Phife.
So when Shaq starts up his 3rd verse, Phife cuts him off. He says, not in so many words, "No, Shaq, it's not really necessary to get into all this...in the alternative may I suggest you compile a list of those that you have gigged upon thus far?"
And that is what the Diesel does.
He rattles of a list by saying "So-and-so, I gigged on him," while Phife backs him up with "Yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah" and later on with "Hell yeah...hell yeah...hell yeah hell yeah!"
Let's look at this list:
1) Greg Anthony
Why Shaq heads up this list with Anthony is beyond me. He's at least a foot taller than him. And I'm not sure of any particular beef between them. Chalk it up to Shaq warming up.
2) Alvin Robertson
Another guard? Also about a foot shorter than the Diez? Who wasn't even that relevant by 1993? Gotta admit, Shaq, you're confusing me a bit....
Maybe he's just letting the word know he's not into wife beating. We'll give it to him.
3) Manut Bol
Well, THAT'S hardly fair. I mean, yeah, he's really really tall. But back then, dunking on Manut Bol was like dunking on Shawn Bradley. And by all accounts, he's a great guy. That's just mean, Shaq.
4) Grandmama (yes, he calls him "Grandmama" in the song)
OK, fair enough. LJ wasn't all that tall, but he was pretty badass. I'll give it to him.
Plus, of course, there's this.
Not really relevant, but still awesome.
5) Me Phi Me
Um...if there is a rap battle between these two in video archives somewhere? I'd pay top dollar to get my hands on them. (Note: for the unemployed such as myself, that means around $20.)
If not, then I have no idea where this came from. Like, whatsoever. Did Shaq have some sort of big problem w/ Me Phi? If so, why? These are questions for which I just don't have the answers.
6) Country people
Yeah, I am officially lost. Country people? People from the country? Big Country? He wasn't even in the NBA! I don't know...I just don't know.
7) Jeffrey Sledge
8) Jeff Fenster
All I've got on these last 2 is that they are or were higher-ups at Jive Records. Who knows if that was the case in 1993.
ButShaq Dieselwas ON Jive Records. So I don't fucking know.
In conclusion:
The song is mostly about lyrical mastery and showing sucka MCs the way it's done, also maybe dunking on point guards.
However, it may have been wise to wait until the list was a little bit longer and, yes, more distinguished to put this song out.
But I love it.
And I'm not entirely sure WHY this bit of slang, seemingly created by Shaq himself, never caught on.
It's been almost 15 years since Shaqnificent attempted to change our verbal landscape with this particular bit of vernacular.
I say we give it a whirl, yes? I feel it has some Big Diesel-sized potential.
Even if not...well, you know you will find Ben and I here giggin', 7 days a week.
OK, maybe not 7 days a week, but at least 4 or 5.
OK, maybe not 4 or 5, but at least whenever we feel like it.
Thanks for reading.
You may now consider yourself an expert in giggin'.
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